I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
