this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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