Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
false alarm, still single
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
