I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
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yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
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i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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