Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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