did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
