it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
