i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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