It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
