I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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