She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
