drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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