I just made out with a guy for $7.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
he just fucked me for my cheese..
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
