omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
