There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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