Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Pooping to opera.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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