You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
