Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
