My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
