Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
