For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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