uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
