I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
