Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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