My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
