You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
