I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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