i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
