my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
