she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
