all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
