3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
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Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
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When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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