I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize