I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
