it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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