No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
