She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
