battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
