I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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