She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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