im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
