Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
