I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
