i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
