God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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