Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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