I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
