Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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