dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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