Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Sext me about skeletons
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
