your thong is hanging out like whoa
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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