I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure