In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."