TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter