My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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