ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
