Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
