Well apparently he's into motor boating.
one two three fourrrrnication!
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
whose ass print is on the piano?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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